I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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