ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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