so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
