Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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