I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
