Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it because I queefed?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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