I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
birth control should be required to get into college
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
