She tied me up with her honor cords...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
