im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
