tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize