At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
