Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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