I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
