My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
