The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
