I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
