4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
