he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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