this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
