My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
