I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
