What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
