you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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