We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
