Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
