i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
