before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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