i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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