My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
