I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
