My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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