I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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