Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
