i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize