Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
