I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
