There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
