i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to stick my p in your. b.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Life is so much better after having sex.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
false alarm, still single
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize