I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
