if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
