the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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