I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
