I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
