giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
