I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
