You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
