Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
