If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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