so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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