did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
