Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
