I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
