You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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