Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
