I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
