Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
