She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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