So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
