Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
